Hello Therapy! ...I mean blog.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up with a headache. Woke up sore. Soon after started doing research for what to do with Kaelei's ambliopia and strabismus, and then started crying. I can't read out of my left eye. I can see movement, although not accurately. If anything happened to my right eye, say a cataract when I'm older, or who knows, an accident injuring it, I'd be screwed. I'd lose my freedom, I'd have to have someone drive me everywhere, read things to me, show me exactly where things are, and that's so scary for me.... then..... thinking that this could happen to my daughter, that's terrifying. I don't want to do surgery if it's not the right thing. Vision therapy is so controversial, and the time is limited for surgery, so we've read. You can read one thing on one site, and go to a different site and read almost the complete opposite. Same with doctors, we've gotten so many varying opinions- it's so frustrating. Kaelei gives me a hug when I cry and Sophie asks me what's wrong. I can't hide my fear and worry from the kids, and I don't want Kaelei to be scared or worried herself about this. I'm trying to be strong, but I am so stressed. I have to finish my English class, then my SCUBA class, and all while dealing with Eli's surgery, Kaelei's surgery, and my own ongoing pain. I can't imagine what our medical bills add up to without insurance. I've been getting the cortisone injections and last time had 3 in my head. I have an appointment scheduled at John Hopkins for my arm/neck/back pain in September, it took MONTHS to schedule. This medical stuff is so overwhelming. Then, finding people to watch the kids during this time, or even just so Nathan and I have time to clean the house! Talk about stressful. I've been forgetting to eat again, when I'm stressed like this I don't even think about feeding myself.... just the kids. Make sure the kids are good, and I am last in line as far as that goes. That's what being a parent is all about, putting your children first.

My thoughts and feelings are so jumbled right now, just like this blog. I'm confused, sad, terrified, worried, shocked, angry, so many emotions all at once. I am thankful it's not anything worse than what it is, but to me it's a big deal, the biggest situation medically that we have had to deal with thus far, and it's scary.